Days of our Lies
by Sweet Darkling
Summary: WHO did He-Who-Never-Texts-Back sleep with, thereby cheating on his one true, Transy-Boy? No, you won't find out in this episode. Nor will you get any clues. But it's still funny. Unless you have a weak constitution. Enjoy. R
1. The Orgy

Days of our Lies  
  
Episode 1: The Orgy  
  
Characters: Shona, Teju, Draco, Tuxedo Mask, The Mask, Noddy (the fake one), Big Ears  
  
Noddy was dancing around a pole naked. Shona saw him and looked shocked. Then, Harry Potter apparated there using his 'magical wand' (and we all know what THAT really is.it's a nose!) and joined Noddy.with the clothes on. Just then, a red rose was thrown down next to the pole, yes, Tuxedo Mask had come to take Teju away on a moonlit date to Big Ears cottage in Wakefield. Unfortunately, on the way, they met Tuxedo Mask's alter ego, the Moonlight Knight, who was more attracted to Tuxedo Mask himself than Teju, much to her dismay. Luckily, just then, Shona came flying down on a flying.thing that flies and the Moonlight Knight fell in love with her immediately. Yet, Shona did not want the Moonlight knight, her interest lay in Big Ears, or Big Nose as she liked to call him in secret!! However, someone who was interested in Moonlight Knight was Shubha.yes, Shubha! The former lover of Rasputin! Incensed she was with the fact that the Moonlight Knight seemed to prefer Shona. She did all she could to persuade him that Shona was actually Anastasia in disguise (although this was not true.) She had just about succeeded in winning over the Moonlight Knight and taking him to Big Ears cottage for a date too, when suddenly Shashwat aka transy floated down from his broomstick. (Mmhhmm!) For both him and the Moonlight Knight, it was love at first sight (oo that rhymes!) It was love until something very unexpected happened! Dmitri (*drools*) jumped from an invisible, non-existent mountain down to where everyone was standing/floating/whatevering.in ONLY HIS UNDERWEAR!!!!!!!! (w00000000t!)  
  
Teju's mouth fell open, and even more drool came out. This made Tuxedo Mask rather pissed off, so he decided to dump Teju for Shona, but Shona liked Dimitri too, so he decided to make both girls annoyed and jealous by entering Tom Riddle's 'Diary'. Yet, even he did not know what he was fully in for in doing such a thing (unlike Ron Weasley who knew perfectly well what he was getting into) but as soon as the diary fell open and ink fell onto it...Tom Riddle's secret lust for Legolas Greenleaf was revealed in all its glory. It seemed as though it was so obvious that long hair turned Tom on that Dumbledore had thought it was actually himself, that was the object of Tom's lust, yet this was not true.  
  
Arwyn was for some reason there too. Nobody knew, nor cared why. She was annoyed by the fact that Legolas was so much prettier than she that she joined forces with Galadriel, who was actually Celeborn. (Don't ask!) After the fact that Legolas had taken a dip in Galadriel's celestial pool without asking, they decided to play a cruel prank. For some reason, though, Celeborn wanted to put a spell on the pool and wait until Legolas jumped in butt-naked (mmmm...lurrvely) again.  
  
Galadriel merely raised an eyebrow snobbily and gave a disapproving look to Celebron. He did not care. Sauron did. He cared A LOT! In fact, he cared so much he set his eye on fire.  
  
Sauron had never got over the fact that at the last dinner party at big ears' house, Tuxedo Mask had given Teju a rose (unfortunately, it had missed her heart and had gone into her liver instead); not him. To make him jealous, he tried to get it on with Leggy, but the blond dude didn't have a fetish for burning eyes.  
  
Tsk tsk..what WERE all these frustrated dudes to do? They arranged a party at the house of He-who-never-answers-text-messages, also known as B-u-n-t- y. (Not a little village girl, Sneha, but an arrogant prickless prick). So all the guys.and Shashwat. got together at Big Ears house, when da-da- daaaaaaaa Ash waltzed in, on her arm, two undead bovines who were trying to make her lie down so they could eat her along with Big Ears' Lemon Meringue Pie, which was much enjoyed by Draco who had decided to take a break from his relationship with Pansy Parkinson and was now seeing the Fat Lady.strangely she kept disappearing..we suspect an affair with Nearly Headless Nick.  
  
Unfortunately in the middle of the party, Tuxedo Masks' band ripped as he bent down to pick up a piece of pie that the Moonlight Knight had dropped. Find out what happens next time on..Random Shit  
  
Writers/Editors/Producers: (soon to be) Mrs Teju Kumar and (soon to be) Mrs Shona Sahay (oo-er!) 


	2. Happily Ever AfterOr Is It?

Days Of Our Lies  
  
Episode 2: Happily Ever After.....Or Is It???  
  
The pink thong was seen by all at the dinner party, along with many others (although how they saw it is as yet unclear). Shona was devastated when she saw this pink thong in all its glory as it was the one she had presented to Transy-boy but obviously he'd been having an illicit affair with Tuxedo Mask.  
  
As Moonlight Knight had his first-ever orgasm, Ash burst into tears, as she felt that this was the appropriate thing to do, although it blatantly wasn't, whilst Priyanka, wearing a top that thrust her 34B (not 32A) boobs in everyone's faces, ogled at him with her mouth wide open, into which a fly (who was secretly a person in disguise) flew into. She ran round the room attempting to scream, which admittedly is difficult with a fly in your mouth, ultimately running to find Pratner, but much to her distress Pratner was giving some to a yellow rubber ducky, which was actually Ash in disguise. Priyanka couldn't believe her eyes, as in front of them, Pratner slowly transformed into Niki.  
  
He-who-never-texts-back was intrigued, as he had always wanted to be able to transform himself into a yellow rubber ducky. So intrigued was he, that for the first time since September, he picked up his texting machine fone thing whatever, and texted Teju who was unfortunately in the middle of eating strawberries and cream from the back of Matt Holt, who was secretly Faramir and Boromir at the same time. All of a sudden, a face appeared at the window. It terrified people. It terrified people so much that the chaos that ensued was not started for once by Teju or Shona!!! many shocked gasps Suddenly the room went black, all that could be seen was the white face moving across the room, (apart from the pink thong that was still creating a small halo of light around tuxedo mask), suddenly, the lights were back on and everyone reeled in shock as all that could be seen was armpit the rapist dead in the middle of the room holding only a bloody dildo that was obviously used to kill him with.  
  
Teju turned to look at the real Pratner in fury, as she blatantly knew he was the one who used the dildo to kill armpit the rapist, and she also knew that the death had been accidental, out of pleasure, in fact. However, she couldn't look at Pratner in supposed fury (but actual lust) for long, as they were rudely interrupted by Tapp-boy, who was being raped by the ghost of Armpit the Rapist.  
  
Suddenly, Shona was distracted by the heavenly sight of Radish in some sunglasses (along with some clothes as well, unfortunately for her). As she gawped at him most unromantically and slightly stalker-like-ly with drool dripping down on to the short head of armpit the rapist who was lying dead below she saw the fine figure of Transy boy approach Radish Man, obviously empathising, having already fallen victim to the obsessional compulsional disorder of Shona.  
  
Suddenly, the focus is shifted onto Teju, who was at this moment, standing next to Pratner and He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, trying to convince them to have a three-some with her (not foursome, big G), although they were much more interested in a more intimate, twosome relationship. Shona was still distracted by Radish and Transy-Boy. Images of 11-somes previously created by her and Teju flashed before her eyes. Teju was getting majorly jealous of Pratner referring to Shona as his lovely, mostly because Shona was HER lovely! Shona was insulted at Pratner referring to her as lovely, because of the evident implied sarcasm and lack of wit that was involved in the said statement. Teju was hers and Pratner was not gonna take that away fuck him. Shona's warped brain might have thought this, but it was clear that Pratner wanted her. And her only. Along with Shubha, and Ash, and Abi and Taz and Fat and Radish. Who are all lovely and beautiful people.  
  
Shona decided to escape from Teju's warped mind. In which all of this takes place. She follows the exit signs, and 2 hours later, finds herself where she first started from. Greatly irate, she decided to jump out of the window, and miraculously finds the exit. Along with Radish to catch her. Wearing a black tuxedo and sunglasses that make her gasp and virtually have an orgasm there and then. He gives her rose, calling her mademoiselle, as he sets her gently onto the ground and kisses her right hand. He then picks up her left hand, and kissing it, manages to put an engagement ring onto it. Teju is grinning broadly from the window that Shona fell out of. Her plan worked. Now she could finally shag Steve, as he was to be the best man (obviously) and she herself was to be the Maid of Honour.  
  
Radish sweeps Shona off her feet once again, places her gently (as he is very considerate and protective of Shona's delicate skin) on a random white horse that appeared there. They ran to their magic castle from fairy tales (in Selby), where they found Pixie (the bitch) cleaning the floor. Steve had left her, she said. Left her for good. He'd gone and she knew not where. All she did was cry pathetically all day at the fact that she could no longer manipulate him into her every whim. Yet where was this Steve? No one knew.  
  
As Teju stood back from the window, she turned and saw Pratner gazing at her, he'd walked into the room and couldn't take his eyes off from hers. He walked up to her and put his arms around her and as he stared into those deep soulful eyes, and begged for her forgiveness for getting off with the yellow rubber ducky, Steve came in through the window. Yes, Teju admitted, it was perhaps too late, Pratner. Steve went down on one knee and gazed up at Teju knowing that she was his one and only . Pixie had ceased to mean anything to him from the day of the wedding which he would always remember as the day that he first set eyes on the wonder and beauty that he now held before him. Pratner had had no idea what he'd be losing in shunning Teju for the rubber ducky, yet as Steve was on his knees, Pratner fully realised how much was his love for her, and pulled her back. He told her that he'd found Steph in Tescos and killed her, such was his hate for the slut that had attempted to manipulate Adam. As Teju stood there between Steve and Pratner, she knew that there was no one for her but He-who-never-answers- text-messages. All of a sudden, He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, came into the room riding on his fine horse (aka Transy boy) and swept Trina off her feet, to ultimately live happily ever after in the Republic of Chad. Steve fell out the window but Pratner was left to die alone. In sorrow. In the rain. Thinking only of the pain. And the unrequited love. And the loss that was his life.  
  
And suddenly, all of this disappears as some screams are heard. He-Who-Never-Texts-Back has finally woken up from his terrible nightmare. As he turns around in his bed, he is shocked by the person he is lying naked next to. To his utmost horror, he has cheated on his one and only love, Transy Boy with.........  
  
Find out next time in Days Of Our Lies.  
  
Writers/Producers/Playboy Models/etc.: Teju Kumar and Shona Sahay


	3. The Phantom Rapist

Days Of Our Lies

Episode 3: The Phantom Rapist

Teju managed to stalk her way into where He-Who-Never-Texts-Back had been sleeping to find the Almighty Never-texts-back throwing up in the toilet, A LOT! He was shocked and scandalised by himself. And even more shocked and scandalised by the fact that he was shocked and scandalised by himself. Teju was greatly amused.

She approached him after he had finally been selfless enough to stop selfishly throwing up and acknowledge her presence. Unlike certain selfish, Mother-fucking arse-less twat arseholes! It was then that she condescended to speak to him, in fact, it was more yelling at him, except one does not think that He-Who-Never-Texts-Back could hear her because of the atmospheric interferences due to the difference in stature. This seemed to dear Teju, very reminiscent of a certain other time talking/yelling at Transy Boy, and it was this, that made her question where said Transy Boy was.

It was then that she skulked her way into the bedroom where an awful, awful, dreadful sight met her gaze. Lying there in the bed was NOT Transy-Boy. (gasp!) It was someone ELSE naked, in the bed, where Bunty had been sleeping naked. Teju finally realised, about four hours later, that Bunty had cheated on Transy Boy, his one true gay love, with none other than....

Shona entered the room, squealing, because she had seen a dragonfly. Nobody questioned where she had come from, or how she had managed to enter the house without much ado. So, a pretty picture (with the exception of Bunty with traces of sick still around him) presented itself to the onlooker.

After she managed to convince Teju to scream in her almighty shrill voice, in order to scare away the evil dragonfly, she decided to use Bunty and his sick, to chase away the ghost of Armpit the Rapist, who had appeared to do nothing but rape herm as Teju had been warning her for some time, in a languid voice.

Yet when Armpit the Rapist finally made his next guest appearance, it was soon evident to all that (sadly) Shona was evidently not the object of his lust, this highly esteemed position being held instead by......DUCKFACE! YES! HE WAS BACK!! Teju gasped!

But unlike Shona, it was not a gasp of pleasure. More a gasp of pain, due to the fact that she had just stubbed her toe against the bed post, like one of the boys did in one of the Enid Blyton books. After much yowling in pain, she finally stopped and it was at this time that she noticed the presence of YELLOW RUBBER DUCKIE! Highly incensed with him, because he was BLATANTLY here for Armpit the rapist, she scowled at him, and after pretending to be drunk, slapped him. At this point, her fone went off... it was a text msg...she opened it up...

The entire room fell into shocked silence as slowly, it unfolded that the sender of said message was none other than He-who-never-texts-back!!! What could this mean? Everything that Teju and Shona had believed in seemed to be on the verge of being proved a lie....

Until they realised that the phone of He-Who-Never-Texts-Back had actually been stolen by the one, the only, MEENA, who now made her entrance on an unsuspecting audience, namely Teju. Rubber Duckie was overjoyed to find his one true love finally enter this warped programme.

Yet this joy was soon to be quashed when out of the darkness in the doorway, emerged, on Meena's arm, none other than TRANSY BOY! He-who-never-texts back looked as though he would cry. Everyone was horrified at the emergence of this couple. And Shona and teju were howling away at the apparent break of the one couple they had relied on to be forever together. They shocked, scandalised even!

That is, they were, until they saw Noddy following behind with a samurai sword that was actually a meter ruler from Teju's Chemistry class. Upon espying this item, Transy boy felt moved to comment "Ooo...is that a sword..? Or are u just pleased to see me..?" leading one and all to wonder as to the true meaning of this statement.

Bunty, forgotten by all and still partially covered by his sick (at least it wasn't some else's, Teju said when he began to moan to her) beagn to be annoyed at the lack of attention that was being paid to him. So using his non-texting-only-calling-phone, one of its kind, he called Mickey, to bring some more alcohol, so that he could throw up again, so that he could gain the sympathy of Teju once more.

Mickey entered brandishing not only much booze, but also much cigarettes, much to Shona's surprise. In fact she was so surprised that she stepped back onto Transy boy who in turn knocked over Meena, who in turn knocked over Teju who in turn knocked over...Abhishek! Abhishek had entered singing loudly the Harry Potter theme tune, much to the disturbance of He-who-never-texts-back, who felt quite threatened by afore mentioned humming...

At this point, for some imexplicable reason, one and all turned to the bed of fair He-Who-Never-Texts-Back, to notice a strange person lying in it. Moreover, it was not a strange person that was Transy-Boy! How could this be? How could this horror take place? All were shocked or appalled. Some, indeed, were both. And at this very memorable point, Transy-Boy's innocent and chaste granddad walked in, to find the person still lying naked on the bed. Yes, lying ON the bed, not beneath the covers! The shame of it all! His dada turned slowly round to Bunty, and opened his mouth to speak.....

Find out next time, on Days of our Lies!

The supreme dictators of this mutilated world: Shona Sahay and Teju Kumar


End file.
